Why I hate Wal Mart, and other grocery store complaints...

You will be able to tell by the time this post is over, that I just got home from Wal-Mart.  Here are the three reasons my kids can tell I just got home from Wal-Mart:

1. We actually have food...
2. It's frozen pizza night
3. I am so fucking aggravated that no one can talk or even look at me without being screamed at...

So I pull into the parking lot, and of course it's 5:30 in the evening when everyone gets off of work, so they all come here, to the Wal-Mart...pause... this is my first mistake. i.e. I was lucky enough to have a day off of work today, so stupid of me not to come early in the morning when only the old women were there...

Continuing... So I pull into an aisle, it doesn't matter which one, just pick one! And as I'm pulling forward a Nissan Altima nearly backs into me...yep...what's funny is that this is not such a rare occurance, this happens to every one of us at least three times before we are even able to park the car. I tried to stay positive, because this particular Nissan was backing out of a VERY NICE SPOT, close to the door.  I stop...and wait...and wait...and wait...for him to realize I'm back here, and for him to make use of what he believes to be a 40 ACRE FIELD in which he has to back out of his space! As I'm waiting, a lovely soccer mom in her mini van decides it best to try and squeeze around me...AND INTO THIS SPOT.  Once you get to know me better you won't even need me to tell you that she didn't get my spot, but the guy standing next to his car in the adjoining space was scared shitless whilst he got to watch the whole thing go down.  I won't even get into the circus act I had to perform while toting my lovely two year across this parking lot to keep from being made into a pancake. 

Here are the four rules for parking/driving your car at the Wal-Mart (only my opinion):

1. If you are driving a Chevy Aveo, do NOT park your car behind a Lincoln Navigator...you are only pissing me off because you have not the common sense to park where you can see all sides of your car.
2. Don't you DARE door ding someone! Why the hell can you NOT pay attention when you are opening the door to your own car?! And don't blame your kid either, you need to control your child. My two year old can open a door to a car and pay attention to the cars around it.
3.  SLOW DOWN when people are trying to help their children cross the damn lot! Your right, it's not your fault they have kids, and you aren't responsible for keeping them safe, but it IS your primary duty as a human being to respect others.
4. If you are walking and others are driving, move the hell on across the aisle! Now I am being respectful enough to let you cross, and while you will have a wonderful lawsuit if I run you over, have either of us really got the time to stand/lay there while we wait for the police, call our lawyer, yada yada?  And believe it sister, if I know I'm getting sued for running your slow ass over, I'm gonna make sure I hit you REAL GOOD. You won't be able to enjoy the money, given that you can't walk, or have sex for the rest of your life.

You know, I'm not even inside the store yet...

No doubt that the employees are rude, snotty, and they leave their gigantic loading carts setting right in front of the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. For christs sake, leave it in the ethnic food aisle...And yes, I'm going to move it, and don't you dare tell me I can't for insurance purposes, or what the fuck ever.

Let's get into the traffic inside...Why does it take a 125 lb. woman twenty minutes to walk along the spaghetti sauce selections, and at the end of all the struggle, she doesn't even buy one? Why do the 75 year old men want to follow me at my reasonable pace, and drive their cart at a full 3 1/2 inches away from my ass? If I stop...and you hit me...ain't nobody gonna need insurance buddy.  I don't understand the competition here.  Now I'm a "center of the aisle" kind of shopper. This is because I have a baby in the cart that wants to grab...and throw...everything.  I don't shop with a grocery list, and I like to look ahead at what's to come, so that when I do arrive at the destination, I can grab my selection and get the hell out of the way.  WTF is up with daydreaming while you walk on a Sunday stroll, and then stopping in front of the cookies, and NOT MOVING for a full two minutes?? Don't get hasty with me for pushing your cart out of the way. I do not want to steal your purse thank you very much, I have my own purse, otherwise why would I be here?  And another thing, while we are on the subject, who in the hell do these women over 50 think they are? Is it that once you get to a certain age, you don't have to say "excuse me" before pushing through someone? Don't think that just because you are my elder, that I will not bitch slap you for looking off at my child, who does happen to be screaming, and pushing me out of your way. You are SORELY MISTAKEN.  Sooner or later, we will all need "shopping insurance". What with Black Friday, and Manic Monday or whatever the hell it's called, we have lost all sight of our god given ability to be polite and respectful. 

My rules for shopping within the Wal-Mart:

1. If you don't know what the hell you are shopping for, carry that little basket thingy, so we don't have to manuever around your ginormous cart with ONE POUND of hamburger meat, and your hemorrhoid medicine inside. What a waste of space and time.
2. Say "excuse me" to people that are less than 3 feet from you. This is how I always taught my children to be. This way you are better safe than sorry.
3. DO NOT stand in the aisle and cuss out your boyfriend on your cell phone.  Nuff said...
4. Please refrain from farting, scratching your butt, picking your nose, scratching your dandruff, and then selecting your green pepper.
5. You are standing in the check out line for a full ten minutes before your bags are loaded in your cart, you have been given PLENTY of time to fish for your wallet and have your damn money ready when she hollers out the total.
6. PLEASE, for the love of god, and if you care about whether or not I lose my temper starting with you, do NOT walk ALL the way to the Exit, and THEN STOP, in front of the door, the whole door, and put on your coat, check your lipstick, fish for your keys, open your umbrella, etc. etc. I have been in this god forsaken hell hole for THREE HOURS with screaming children tugging at me, asking me for things, and old people pushing my butt with their cart. I want to get the hell out of here, and if YOU are the only thing standing in my way, I am going to go psycho on your ass!!!!!

My kids always laugh at me, because I have this uncanny ability to leave at just the right time to catch every single red light. I am EXCELLENT at picking out the ONLY flavor of salad dressing that my husband hates.  I will drive my car until it's running on fumes, and the only gas station I can make it to is the one with the highest gas prices.  This carries over because at the Wal-Mart, I have an unforseen attraction to the SLOWEST CASHIER IN THE ENTIRE STORE!  I can walk past six checkout lanes, and really be trying to get it right! I can stand and watch them for a few minutes (out of the line of traffic of course), and really think I am making the best decision. It never works. 

She's like 62 years old. She's not old, and not overweight, and not lazy, that's not it. She's friendly, she was obviously pretty in her younger years.  Her name is Debby, yes, with a "Y", weird huh? 

SHE IS SLOW AS HELL! She has NO IDEA where the barcodes are, and has obviously worked here for about six hours in total career time. She is all alone, and no one is helping her, training her, nothing. I've done it again. This is always the time of the shopping trip that my husband calls, wondering where the hell I am, and what the hell is taking so long.  I am literally putting one bag in my cart per minute of my standing here waiting for her to check me out. I am so pissed, and my feet hurt so bad, and I am about to explode.  My daughter, the two year old, has a favorite pastime. She likes to spin the bagger thing while the cashier struggles to bag the items. She thinks that it is just hilarious to watch them get so frustrated and they can do nothing about it because her mommy would punch them for saying a word about it.  She is not even playing the game with this woman! This baby is so bored with this cashier she has her head resting on her arms on the cart. She is falling asleep watching this woman bag my groceries!  Just as I am about to blow up, and I try, I really try not to yell at strangers, she says to me,

"I apologize for the inconvenience, it's only my second day, and I can tell that you are frustrated..."

(little guilty feeling.........) "It's fine, but I do have to go, can I just have my receipt?"

She seriously looks like she is about to cry.  UGH!  "Have a wonderful night, don't worry it will get easier." I say this as I dart for the door.  I'm sorry Debby, I just do not have the time nor the patience.

SHOUT OUT TO WAL MART: Put these people to work at the fitting room! How ridiculous is it that you will hire anyone, with no judgment on age, creed, sex, whatever, and then throw them into a situation where they are bound to catch shit?! Get it together already. As a multi-BILLION dollar empire, by now you have figured out who can function more appropriately in which department. Like when they put the little blonde girl in the Sporting Goods Dept. and expect her to know how to zone the soccer balls based on size.  REALLY?!

I'm in the parking lot, loading my car. I look around and realize that my well earned parking space was not equipped with the one amenity that I desire the most, a nearby cart corral.  I usually think this through when I have only the little one. I don't like to leave her alone in the car for even a moment.  At this point I am so DONE with the entire ordeal, that I opt to park the cart in front of my car. I don't even care about where it lands, just get it the hell away from me, and get me the hell out of this store.  I look over a spot a 100 year old man operating the cart machine thing that pushes them across the lot.  This is their cart guy! There is an able bodied 17 year old inside stocking vegetables that would be so much better at this! And without the risk of a workmans comp suit for causing someone a heart attack! As I'm standing there feeling sorry for him, I hear him shout "You know there's a cart corral right over here!"
Oh no you didn't....

"Well I don't have time after your charade of dumb cashiers and this cattle drive you call a shopping center!!" Yep, you betcha, I lost it.

"Well, I guess you don't care if it rolls into a car huh?" He's obviously having the same kind of Wal-Mart experience as me....LMFAO.

"As a matter of fact I don't! Cause I know that's why they hired YOU!" And I get into my car.

OK, maybe it is kind of funny. Now that I'm reading it, and feeling sorry for Debby.  I ruined two elderly peoples' day today, and you know what? It's only thanks to these fine American Citizens that were shopping with me at the Wal-Mart today.