So you have a baby with someone. Let's say that you do as God wishes and you're married to this person, let's say you're not married to this person. Either way, you are know sharing a bond with someone for the rest of your life and no matter how you wish to get rid of them, it ain't gonna happen...
My husband had two before he met me. They are mine, I just didn't have the luxury of giving birth. That's all I will fill you in on for now, since I'm trying to be a "journalist", not writing a diary..
So tell me why, when you have a baby with someone, is it necessary to ruin this persons' life if the relationship does not work out. Why do you drag your children into a courtroom, make them sit on the stand in front of twenty strangers, and ask them to speak ill of their own parents? Why do kids have to "report" everything that happened over the weekend at their other parents' house? If you don't trust this person with your child, then maybe it was a bad decision to give them the glory of having a baby with you.
This is the part that always gets me. When I hear someone say, "Well I didn't know that he/she was 'like that'" What does that mean exactly? You knew them well enough to share a bed, and didn't seem to mind that you were having unprotected sex and sharing germs, yet when it comes to having a baby, suddenly this person is the Anti-parent who has no right to their own child, or their rights as a parent.
Now I understand if this person made mistakes, and may have run out on this baby, or doesn't seem to want to follow through with their duties as a parent. What we as parents' need to realize, is that it's not the childs' fault that you chose to share a bed with someone who wasn't going to treat them properly. Already, before this baby is even born, we are disrespecting them enough to give them a parent that will not hold up their responsibilities and will continue to disappoint them well into their adult life. What a terrible place for a child to be, born into a situation where they are continuously questioned, repeatedly abandoned by one (or both) parents, and raised in a setting where they are always forced to witness verbal, physical, and mental abuse between their respective parents'. Is it really too much to ask that we have a little cooth and attempt to teach them to make their own decisions about the quality of the mother/father we have chosen for them? Least of all, lets remember that had it not been for that person, your child wouldn't be here, and that is the greatest gift my husband has ever given me, my children.
Let me only speak to the mothers' here. I'm sure that there are a handful of fathers' that are guilty of this same offense, but often times we find that mom's are the bringers of this particular situation.
Story: A man and woman are married. While they are married there is no problem with the capabilities of either person as a parent. The kids are well taken care of, with clean clothes, food, and plenty of love. One day Mom or Dad decides that it's time to break up. Let's say there are two kids in this family, a boy and a girl perhaps. Now Mom believes it to be her God given right as a person to have full custody of her children, giving Dad the visitation every other weekend, or twice a week, or whatever. Dad agrees with this only because his Dad, and this guys he knows, and that other lady's husband at work got the same deal, and they seemed to be ok with it, so he assumes it to be ok too. This is NO REFLECTION on this man as a parent. Unfortunately for this man, he lives in the kind of "state" where the judge favors the mom, and knowing this from watching it happen to his other buddy that hasn't seen his kids in 3 years, Dad decides it best to just go along with whatever she says so he may be able to salvage what's left of his children's bond with their father. So Mom takes the kids and moves about an hour away, maybe with her friend, maybe with her parents, maybe a new boyfriend, it doesn't matter. Either way, Mom is now getting opinions from different people that are in no way affiliated with her relationship, or her bond with this man as a mother and a father. This would even be a fine agreement, when their divorce is finalized, and they tell the judge what they have worked out for their children, to put it all on paper, just so everybody is sure. Only what comes next is that Mom hears a story about her friend that knows someone who took her husband to court to make sure he pays that "child support" we all know and love. She gets this little Visa card and every two weeks they make a direct deposit, and it comes right out of his check, so she never has to worry about arguing over the money. Now, when Dad divorced Mom, he realized that in order to pay the bills, he was going to have to foreclose on their house, so he had to move to the cheaper neighborhood which was about 20 minutes further from his job. As a result of more traffic to deal with, he was a little late for work more than twice in a month, and was fired. Dad hasn't been able to give Mom any money in about a month, but still calls his kids every day to see how school is going, and offers to drive them to soccer practice, play auditions, etc. This Visa card thing sounds good to Mom, not because she needs the money, since she's living rent free with her friend/mom/boyfriend, but because Dad made her angry when he was late to drop off the kids a couple of weeks ago, and the pain and suffering from the marriage came creeping back. She is hurting and she does not know why, and right about now the likely way to deal is to take him back to court, to stick it to him one more time. So she waits...
Dad gets a new job and starts working, but before he can make good on the money he "owes" her, she files a case with the judge, and has his paychecks garnished, so that she is sure to get what's coming to her. Dad loses this job too. Mom hasn't gotten a payment in two months....she decides it best that the kids don't go away this weekend, locking the door when he knocks, and filing a restraining order when he won't leave without his children. She is in fear of her safety. Nevermind that this woman has no idea how it feels to do without her children, and what it feels like as their father to be abandoned in a home he cannot afford, and forced to get two jobs just to make up the payments, so that maybe, just maybe he can see his kids. She would probably lose her temper too, but that's not important. This part of the story revolves around and around, until the kids are around 14 years of age, and they have not seen their Dad but twice a year or so. They have heard from Mom for most of their lives that Dad was a dead beat, or an asshole, depending on how insulting she chose to make it. Now when Dad shows up after school, just to say hi since they are old enough to decide now, they are more comfortable with Mom, having lived there for ten years, and made their friends at school and in the neighborhood. They don't want to leave Mom's house, and don't wish to speak to Dad knowing all these bad things they know about him now. This Man has missed out on his childrens' life, not by his own doing. Thank you pretty little Visa card, you have once again given greed the upper hand and potentially traumatized the lives of three people in the process.
Now, I am one of the women in this world, who would stay with my husband even if we had no money, no car, and not a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. Most women are the same. We will love him regardless, no matter the cost. If love is true, then this is true. Tell me why, in marriage, you will stay with someone in the absence of money, but, in divorce, you will not allow your children the same. You won't allow your kids to see past the dollar signs, and you can't imagine the selfless act of letting this man have a relationship with his kids.
Only my opinion....once again. Maybe some situations are different, and maybe you have your good reasons for now allowing the other parent to play an active role in your childrens' lives. But I can given you one good piece of advice that we practice daily in my home.
Let the other parent be the kind of parent they will be.
That's it! My husbands grandmother says the same statement no matter what the argument. You know what that statement is? "It is what it is." There is no changing someone. You can't make them "want" to see their kids, and you should never lie to your child when Daddy/Mommy doesn't show up as they were supposed to. You have to let your children learn, and you have to let them decide what is best for them when they reach a certain age. My older two kids are 10 and 11. I ask them every other weekend if they want to go. Sometimes they say yes, and sometimes they say no. I don't badger them, I don't force them, and I will most certainly not try to sway them in either direction. And when they were younger and she never showed up, or she made a promise and broke it, I told them the truth, without the curse words and insults. See, my husband made a decision to have kids with this woman, and he is the only one that he can blame for a bad decision, not based on what kind of mother she would be. But we owe it to these kids for them to see the world as it really is, and only are able to hold them when they cry, and answer any questions they may have, with honesty and compassion.
Now my mother is a wonderful woman, and God strike me down should I ever disrespect her or taint her reputation. She raised me alone, and with no help. But, as I look back, I remember my Dad trying to call, and I remember her telling me that should I stay home one weekend instead of going to my Dad's, that we would do something much more fun and exciting. When we moved four states away, I hadn't seen my Dad in 4 years, and only stopped by his house to say good bye. I spent the rest of my teenage life wondering what happened and what was so wrong with me that I didn't have a Dad. At around 19 years of age, when my Dad found out I had moved back in the state, he showed up at my job the very next day because he wanted to see me, and there was nothing holding him back anymore. At 27 years old, he calls me every day....sometimes twice or three times. He comes to every birthday party for my kids, and spends every holiday at my house throughout the year. We were lucky enough to overcome, but having lost all of that time, some wounds will never heal, and some conflicts were never overcome.
Please people, please, from the bottom of my heart I ask you. Just reflect on what you could be doing differently. Just ask yourself, "Am I protecting my kids? Or am I only selfishly protecting myself?" Do not disservice your children by taking away one of the only two people that will be there for them for the rest of their lives. Give them a chance to build an important relationship, and show them the example that people can flourish even in the face of conflict, and without judgment, that love can truly find a way amongst the dim realities of the world today.
No comments:
Post a Comment